Germany: Can you kick it?

“Come on son, give me a decent pass.”

“Shut up dad, it’s not my fault.”

“Speak to me like that again and we’re going home.”

Welcome to father and son football, Bavarian-style – where expert coaches put British guests through their paces and the fear of losing to the Germans (again) means you’re quite prepared to kick your offspring all over the pitch if that’s what it takes to win.

Germany plays host to next year’s FIFA World Cup and, in an effort to capitalise on the outbreak of football fever the event is bound to inspire, the German National Tourist Office is promoting the destination as the ideal place to learn new skills.

Unfortunately, FIFA has given 40% of tickets to sponsors and held on to the rest so there are none available for tour operators to package up and sell via the trade.

But the tourist office is hoping interest in the competition will give the type of boost to tourism typically associated with hosting the Olympic Games. Agents can cash in with families keen to hone their skills against the stunning backdrop of the Bavarian mountains.

As well as the parent and child coaching option, there are kids-only programmes where parents drop their budding Beckhams off in the morning, leaving the day free for traditional Bavarian activities – like drinking beer for breakfast.

Our training session took place near Lake Chiemsee, in the Chiemgau region, about an hour’s drive from Munich. After some warm-up exercises, we were told to get into pairs and despite my best efforts to team up with the Swiss kid juggling the ball on one knee, I was instructed to play with my own son instead.

Now my boy is many things I’m not – artistic, sensitive, tall – but one thing we do have in common is a determination not to show ourselves up in public. So his horror at practising his skills in front of the rest of the group was matched only by mine at having to watch.

As the coach explained the five exercises we were to complete were open to girls as well as boys – I began to wish I’d read the invitation more closely. My four-year-old daughter would’ve loved the competition, but if you call your son Donovan you can’t really complain when he turns out to be a bit of a hippy.

“Calm down Dad, it’s only a game,” he reminded me as I barked instructions from the sidelines. Easy for him to say, but I was the one keeping score and I knew we were lagging behind the others after round one – which involved dribbling the ball between cones while your dad shouts at you.

We didn’t fare much better at juggling, passing and penalties and as we handed in our scorecard I prayed I wasn’t the only dad tearing his hair out at the inability of his offspring to master the basics of ball control.

In the match that followed, I managed to salvage some pride by scoring two goals, cheered on by my watching son. Never mind that the goalkeeper was only seven years old – my boy was proud and we’d beaten the Germans 2-1. Life was sweet again.

Unfortunately, anyone who follows the fortunes of the England team will know there’s always a sting in the tail and it came at the presentation ceremony later that night. After presenting the three best teams with awards, the coach said something in German which caused loud guffawing among the locals. An embarrassed translator explained the coaches’ aim was to help players improve so they were giving a ‘special’ prize to the team deemed most in need of their help.

Step forward ‘team Lane’ to receive a complimentary football amid ironic cheers from my journalist peers.

I knew I should’ve packed my ‘Germany 1 England 5’ t-shirt.