Oh, the cheek of it
They say that the travel industry is akin to show business and that many of its employees are frustrated actors. If the performance I saw recently involving my colleague Jules and a gentlemen in his late middle age is anything to go by, I would say they were right.
I was speaking to a client on the telephone about the virtues of Hua Hin when I noticed a leather clad figure enter the shop. I took in the sight: thin, bandy legs supporting a portly belly, topped with a large motorbike helmet. He approached Jules’s desk walking as if the motorbike was still between his legs. Taking his helmet off, he revealed a bald head, dewy with perspiration which he wiped with the back of his hand, smoothing down the hair around his ears as if he were about to be photographed. He leant over and began to whisper to Jules.
Having finished my conversation, I replaced the phone and glanced across to Jules who was clearly having difficulty keeping a straight face. Her client whispered some more, replaced his helmet and left.
It was only after Kate’s client had departed and the shop was momentarily empty that Jules was able to tell us about the bike whisperer. He had asked if we dealt with the brochures featuring art classes to which Jules had replied that yes, if he was interested in a painting holiday, we could certainly help. Was he interested in holidays here in the UK or abroad? The biker had said that this country was his prime concern.
Before she could get him to sit down so that she could go through some possibilities with him, this veteran Hell’s Angel added: “No, I don’t want to book a holiday, I want to offer my services to the operators that sell them,” he said, adding by way of explanation, “I’m a life model.”
Well, if you could have seen Jules’s face it would have made your millennium. His physique having more in common with Mr Blobby than a Dream Boy and his toothless smile being a perfect advert for a dental health campaign, it was hard to imagine him being paid as a model but I guess it’s the cragginess that appeals.
Jules was told that in addition to his modelling work, the chap conducts guided tours of local villages. We couldn’t help wondering what this would entail unless he escorts his parties in the nude as a country life model!
Have you seen Jean?
A mature couple came in and sat down in front of me, informing me that they were retired senior citizens ‘just in case there’s a discount for pensioners travelling to Australia’. The husband told me that dates weren’t a problem as their time was their own.
We went through the proposed itinerary and discussed prices, stopovers, tours and the like. I then went on to check availability with Alan at Travel 2.
Once he had suggested dates and accommodation for stopovers, the wife stood up decisively and said: “If you’ll excuse me, I need to get to the clinic for my jabs. I booked them but I needed to know where we’d be stopping en route!”
Though somewhat bewildered, I was pleased to continue with the booking, knowing at least that the pair of them had every intention of travelling!
When I had finished, the client asked me if I’d ever been to Adelaide. I replied that I had and was about to launch into my sales talk on Adelaide as one of the destinations he could use with his boomerang pass when he interrupted me.
“When you were out there did you see Jean Atkin?”
“Jean Atkin?” my mind raced. Was this something I, as an agent, should know? A theatre, like the Yvonne Arnaud, a famous pub like the Prince of Wales or a mountain range like the Olgas É what the Sam Hill was the Jean Atkin?
Before I could bluff that I hadn’t had time to visit the Jean Atkin, my client saved me from myself, adding: “Only she emigrated to Adelaide three years ago. Used to live in our road.”
I shook my head in disbelief that he had even imagined that I might meet up with a neighbour of his among the thousands of residents inhabiting that town but I guess he and his wife were small-town people!
As I waved goodbye, the phone rang and I answered it to a lady who was having problems stringing words together, thanks to a lunchtime snifter or two.
Through slurred speech I ascertained what she wanted and promised to ring back. I made a mental note to myself that I’d leave it until late in the afternoon, by which time she’d either be beyond speech altogether or stone cold sober.
Pairing off in bunches
We all love being able to share a little bit of inside information about a destination – it confirms our professionalism and expertise in the minds of the client and often clinches the sale.
I was therefore pleased when Kate imparted a snippet gleaned from her experience in New Zealand.
Single clients intending to travel to the North Island might be interested to know that special singles shopping nights are organised by New World Supermarkets on Thursday evenings.
To advertise the fact that the shopper is single, one picks up a bunch of bananas and drops them into one’s basket or trolley upturned.
Their being upturned indicates that the shopper is available and looking as opposed to unavailable and stocking the family larder. Kate assures me that the practice makes the weekly shop very entertaining.
Some hopeful jack the lads will saunter up the aisles with their bananas upturned, only to turn them face down when they spot their wives appearing from behind the tins of beans.
Apparently, the greatest put-down of all is when a male with upturned bananas eyes a female with an upturned bunch and them promptly turns his face down! It all sounds bananas to me!