Maureen HIll, the Travel industry’s top columnist

Maureen HIll, the Travel industry’s top columnist

Fluffy ending of Easter tail is likely to bug bunny-boy Dino

Marketing plans could prove a drag for boss – still, there’s no danger that the locals will be laughing

I’m not complaining, but…

How many times have you been told by clients that they want to “get away from it all” but have never asked what it is they want to “get away” from? Is it people, civilisation, noise, traffic, the other half, the kids, or what?

These thoughts were aroused by a conversation I overheard between Nigel and a client who recently returned from a winter break in Portugal.

She was anxious to let him know she hadn’t come to complain but merely to advise him of certain elements of the holiday that he could impart to future clients.

The client had requested a break in Portugal, somewhere “away from it all”, “not touristy” and all those other things we hear regularly. Nigel had found in the Secret Portugal brochure what he and the client agreed was the ideal spot, in the Planicies, staying at Vila Nova de Milfontes. According to the client, the place was idyllic, just what they wanted. But, she said: “You couldn’t make the locals smile.”

I don’t know what the client expected but I have sympathy for the local people if they seek to preserve their privacy from invading tourists by adopting a slightly reserved demeanour.

She then followed this with a string of non-complaints which included the fact the sea was not blue and the sand was “blackish-brown” in colour rather than golden. “What does she expect the colour to be in the winter, with all the seasonal rain?” I thought.

One observation that made me smile wryly was when the client said there were no Germans present and she rather missed having the pleasure of outwitting them in the game of securing sun beds. And for a clincher, she said that although it was a lovely location, it was “miles away from everything”. Agents just cannot win!

An axe to grind

Single-room supplements are always a bone of contention and, like many agents, I have difficulty explaining why the lone traveller has to pay more for an inferior, less attractive room.

My client, a formidable lady made of the stuff of the Empire and a living embodiment of the days of the British Raj in India, had booked a single room in a hotel in Jersey.

She wanted a superior, south-facing room as described in the Travelsmith brochure, but apparently there are no south-facing single rooms to be had.

Reg and his team at Travelsmith had been extremely understanding in their quest for a south-facing superior single room,but even they couldn’t magic up what wasn’t there to begin with.

I explained this to the client, who proceeded to give me the benefit of her past experience – being allocated a room akin to a broom cupboard and then being moved to a better room after kicking up so much fuss.

She told me to ring the hotel and warn them she is, in her own words, “an old battle-axe who always gets what she wants”.

We seem to have a lot of unattached ladies living in these parts and yet another request from a single lady had me ringing Karine at Extra Holidays.

Karine offered us a couple of holidays but the single supplement invariably bumped up the price. Karine, however, was able to offer her heartfelt sympathy and explained she is single but has managed to overcome the problem of the unpopular singlesupplement.

When asked her secret, she told me she takes her mum with her and books a twin! My client looked anxiously at me, awaiting the answer to her problem. “She takes her mum with her,” I said, to which the client replied. “Will her mum come with me?” I replied that I expect she would, providing my client paid for her, which somehow defeats the object.

But there’s a whole new career for Karine’s mum, if she only but knew it!

Well I’ll be dog gone

The current foot and mouth crisis is causing widespread consternation and can sometimes lead to distressing situations when dealing with our farming clients. Kate discovered this during the week when a client called in to discuss her forthcoming holiday.

The couple had been warned that they, like their farmer colleagues in neighbouring counties, could lose their livelihood, which is grim enough.

But our client was overcome with grief and burst into tears when she told Kate that lambs were dying in the fields as the ewes could not be moved to proper lambing sheds because of the current cattle movement restrictions.

This upsetting interlude bore no relation to what happened to a colleague at a local Tourist Information Centre where, I am told, an imperious women called in to ask what plans have been made by the powers-that-be for her to exercise her gun dogs while thecurrent crisis prevailed.

Had she called into our office with this question we would have told her in no uncertain terms!

Dressing up the issue

Travelpack southern sales executive Joanne Schlenger called in to update us on the new Bristol-Toronto service.

Apparently her boss, general manager Dino Toouli, has decided this service would tie in nicely with an Easter promotion. However, I gather Travelpack Scotland sales executive Roddy MacPhee was not overly amused when it was suggested he wear an Easter bunny outfit when visiting agents and attending travel industry events.

The female version of the outfit is far more exciting – I’m sure Joanne will look great in fish-net tights and a cotton tail when she visits agents to hand out seasonal chocolate eggs. I’ll bet it’s not just the eggs that will be melting.

In these enlightened days we take for granted that bosses can’t ask staff to do things that they wouldn’t do themselves, so an outfit has been saved for Dino. There is one slight snag – overwhelming demand has meant all the male costumes have been hired so only female versions are left. The question has to be asked. Can the travel trade ever be ready for Dino in fish-net tights?