A disconcerting crush
It’s not often that I’m found wandering along the Strand in London on a sunny Tuesday lunchtime, but that was exactly what I was doing when I bumped into Richard Hume and Sue Whitehead, both formerly of the Hong Kong Tourism Board, and now directors of Hume Whitehead Travel Marketing Solutions.It was great to catch up with them as they headed to the Daily Telegraph Awards; I, on the other hand, had been invited to a literary lunch at Simpson’s where the speakers were to be Edward Enfield (Harry’s witty father) and Gyles Brandreth (the former MP and champion of patterned knitwear).
It was my day off but it seemed I wasn’t going to be allowed to shake off my travel cap as, no sooner had I waved goodbye to Richard and Sue, than a voice bellowed from across the road: “Maureen! What are you doing outside of Gillingham?!”
Passers-by looked at me as if I was on the run from an asylum as the owner of the voice strode purposefully toward me. It was a client of mine, clearly delighted to have caught me out of bounds.
After a lengthy conversation about his recently delayed flight from Marrakesh, I finally shook him off and hurried on to Simpson’s, where I joined the other guests for drinks and book signings.
I bought a copy of Edward Enfield’s Cycling Through France, which will come in handy if fuel costs continue to rise, and a copy of Gyles Brandreth’s Oscar Wilde Murder Mysteries – useful if I ever find myself with a homicidal impulse.
While queueing, I had struck up a conversation with the woman behind me who had revealed that she found Boris Johnson disconcertingly attractive.
“Goodness,” I’d said, “Gyles Brandreth is infinitely sexier!” (I must confess to having put away a glass of something 13% by volume on an empty stomach).
Mr Brandreth had overheard this and was moved to write something equally flattering on the flyleaf of my book. Flattery goes a long way…
Over lunch I chatted to my dining companions, none of whom was employed in the travel industry, but it wasn’t long before I was rumbled again. This time it was Voyages of Discovery sales development manager Brian Langford, who blew my cover.
He popped over to my table and told me that Voyages of Discovery and Swan Hellenic sponsor the literary lunch. Bless him, it wasn’t long before he’d sponsored another bottle of white wine for my table.
Travel folk…dontcha love ‘em?
Bit of a blind spot
Back in the office, Shirley Spooner business development executive of Insight Vacations and Trafalgar Tours, called in to update us on the benefits of their tours, among which are the VIP door-to-door pick-ups. Shirley reiterated that the company is 100% committed to the trade, offering no direct discounts. Hurrah!
We laughed when Shirley relayed the story of one woman who had misunderstood the concept of ‘seat rotation’.
She had joined the tour and listened intently as the tour director explained how the seat belts worked, how to recline the seat, move the arm rests and described seat rotation. Once the tour director had stopped talking, she wandered up the aisle to check everyone was happy.
The woman in question was fiddling with her chair, frowning furiously. When the tour director asked if she could help, the woman said: “I can’t make my seat rotate. I want to look out of the window now but I can’t get it to spin round.”
One can only wonder if that was the same woman who, on another coach tour, arrived in Calais and was asked if she’d enjoyed her trip on Le Shuttle. She replied that she was disappointed she hadn’t seen any fish.
My favourite, though, was the American on a tour of France who asked why the traffic lights beeped. The coach driver explained that it was for the benefit of blind people. “Oh,” she said, “in our country blind people aren’t allowed to drive.”
Which reminds me of a sign I once saw on the back of a van: ‘Caution, Blind Man Driving’. I thought that perhaps his guide dog barked once for left, twice for right and three times for ‘hit the brake’.
When I pulled alongside, however, I was relieved to read: ‘Blinds, curtains and window dressings’ on the side of the van.
Maureen Hill works at Travel Angels, Gillingham, Dorset