An idea that bombed
Not a day goes by at the moment without a bad news story on the front page of the news. If it’s not rising inflation, it’s employment falling and the near total collapse of banks.
Plenty of column inches have been devoted to the recent trials of would-be terrorists in the UK, which brings me to a recent initiative by our police force which, it would seem, is keen to be at the leading edge of terrorism prevention.
To that end, they have recently issued local businesses with ‘know your customer’ cards.
I know it’s no laughing matter, but really, I couldn’t help but smile as I read the questions that are going to help us save the nation:
Does [the customer] fit the usual profile of your customers?
I don’t know about where you work, but we get all sorts in here – we don’t have a type. However, I can confidently say that, given the sorts of questions they come in with regarding their invoices, brochure descriptions and so on, none of them would have the ability to concentrate all the way through a recipe for bomb making, let alone understand it. That’s assuming they could log on to an illegal site in the first place.
Is the booking unusual?
This is Gillingham. They’re all unusual.
Have you checked their documents carefully?
We’re not selling knives or alcohol. If I were to ask a client for sight of their passport before I’d agree to hand over a brochure or book their trip, they’d back out of the door sharpish and head somewhere else. This is the thin end of the wedge, isn’t it? A ‘licence to buy’ in a free market economy!
Are they being secretive?
Sometimes, yes. Sometimes they’re taking their mistresses away, not their wives.
Are they trying to pay in cash?
My goodness. Fancy using the Queen’s own currency to make a purchase! Anyone who trades in a market town will know that, for many traders, cash is the preferred method of payment. And what’s to say a credit card, open to fraud, theft and abuse, is any more of a guarantee that its owner has no dark motives?
Is the booking a one-way ticket to an unusual destination?
Lottery winners, beware. They’re on to you. Strictly returns to Bognor only – okay, Palma if you must.
In the event that we have suspicions about any of our clients, there is a hotline number to call.
Now, I know I shouldn’t mock an honest attempt to fight serious crime, but our police provision in these parts is pretty patchy to say the least.
We rarely see a copper on our streets. In fact, last summer an American tourist was mugged in the nearby town of Shaftesbury. The landlady of the bed and breakfast she was staying in called the police and relayed the details of the incident.
A day later, by which time the tourist had moved on, a constable arrived from Poole, an hour away, to deal with the matter.
The advice on the card tells us to delay the suspect until the police arrive. Are they expecting us to put suspicious types up for the night?
Of course, the irony of the situation was that it took two plain clothes officers to deliver the fancy card that states the ‘bleedin’ obvious’, which was two more than the poor American tourist ever saw.
Rest assured though, people, I’ve watched a lot of episodes of The Bill and I promise to intervene if I think it necessary. In an orderly fashion, of course.
To Russia…for love
I’m not sure whether to feel flattered or not. A couple of years ago I sent a single chap out to Russia where he met and fell in love with a Russian girl. She later joined him in the UK and they married.
The same man called me this week to tell me his marriage was over and that his wife had gone back to Russia where she’d met someone else.
Somehow I felt personally responsible for the failure of the marriage and commiserated with him. He, however, was less distressed than me and took me by surprise when he said, “I need you to book me a flight back so I can find another wife. You were lucky for me the first time, can you work your magic again?”
I feel like a cross between Cilla Black and the Worst Witch.
Maureen Hill works at Travel Angels, Gillingham, Dorset