I know that ‘travel speak’ can occasionally be difficult for members of the public to understand. After all, we often use codes and acronyms. However, a recent survey from Sunshine Holidays has shown that, in some parts of the world, ‘helpful’ translations are leaving tourists bewildered.
At the airline ticket office in Copenhagen, for example, travellers are advised that the airline will send their bags ‘in all directions’, which has resulted in a certain amount of alarm, and a demand from check-in staff for reassurance that passengers will not find themselves in far away destinations with no clean underwear.
The problem might well be the use of online automated translation services. Where once a human being would translate on behalf of hoteliers, tourist offices and tour operators for a fee, these days, you can type any old stuff into Yahoo!’s Babel Fish or the like, and request a translation into almost any language.
The trouble is, while it might translate the line word for word, there is absolutely no guarantee that it will actually make sense.
In a hotel in Zurich, a notice explains that, ‘because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose, and any waiting customers or management should remove all clothing’.
Now, unless that hotel is hosting a supermodel convention, and the manager is Dolph Lundgren, the prospect of unexpected Swiss nudity would be enough to put me off my pretzels.
Similarly, in Budapest, a hotel whose lift had broken down informed its guests that, while the lift was being fixed, it regretted that their stay would be ‘unbearable’.
At boiling point
‘Unbearable’ was the word used by one of my clients, who had recently returned from their ‘staycation’ in a four-star UK hotel.
“It was like Fawlty Towers,” he said, “but without the laughs.”
On the first evening of their holiday, the waitress brought a jug of water and two glasses to the table.
My client lifted the jug to pour a glass for his wife, and then replaced it in the centre of the table, at which point, it crashed to the ground, sending glass to the four corners of the dining room, and soaking the clients from the waist down.
Investigations beneath the tablecloth revealed a garden table with a large hole at its centre: great for parasols, less good for drinks vessels.
When the couple complained to the management, they were told that they should have replaced the jug in its original position at the side of the table.
The dining room was not showing itself at its best. One morning for breakfast our intrepid duo requested boiled eggs, but were served poached. When they questioned the order, the waitress replied that the eggs were boiled – just without their shells.
She did, however, agree to bring two freshly boiled eggs. And so it was that two eggs duly appeared – but there were no egg cups, no plate and only one spoon.
The final straw came on their last night when they were charged for two bottles of wine they hadn’t ordered. “We should know, we’re both teetotal!” laughed my client.
“You won’t be staying there again, I take it?” I said.
“No, Maureen, we won’t. That’s why we’re here. We want to book the Canaries. At least if the food’s rubbish and the service is poor, the sunshine and the pool make up for it.”
Because he’s worth it…
For several years now, we have been booking holidays for an old gentleman and his wife.
The old chap wears an unconvincing toupee and, rather like Frank Sinatra’s renditions of My Way, the toupee is never the same twice. It is either further back on his head, revealing excess forehead, or it is so far forward that the fringe rests on his eyebrows. It’s extremely difficult not to fixate on it when booking his holidays.
You can imagine our shock and disbelief when he appeared in our office having discarded said hairpiece, revealing his glossy scalp.
“I’m a bit concerned,” he said as he approached Natalie’s desk, “that since I had my passport photo taken, I’ve shaved my hair off. Will it be a problem?”
Natalie thought about suggesting he take a toupee with him, but checked herself in time.
“The passports are biometric now,” she replied, “so your features will be more important.”
“That’s a relief,” he said, “because I realise I look so much younger now.”
His self-esteem is clearly intact.
Maureen Hill works at Travel Angels in Gillingham, Dorset